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March 2012  

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Carry That Weight  
11:30am 14/09/2010
This job hunt has been crushing me. Seriously. The number of hours a day that I've spent searching for jobs, writing cover letters, and sending out resumes is ridiculous. It's honestly been close to a full-time job in and of itself. What makes it worse is the lack of replies. I was more okay when I had at least one interview a week. At least then it felt like I was on the right track, and there was hope of actually getting hired. Now I feel like I might as well print out a hundred copies of my resume, drive to the Grand Canyon, and drop them off the edge. It would require just as much effort to get there, and will seemingly have the same effect.

So. It's been weighing me down.

And I feel like my friends are gone. Most of them, anyways. I've already lost contact with a lot of people from school. Seemingly the only ones who still talk to me are the ones who want something from me. And my screenwriter friends are all over the place now, and most of them seem a lot harder to get in contact with.

And I know there's a lot of people that I could contact myself. But right now, for whatever reason, I want them to contact me. It feels like no one's been trying to get in touch with me. I guess I want to feel like I matter. And if no one's trying to find me, or see what I'm up to, or wants to hang out, then it feels like everyone's life can go on without me. I'm unnecessary. And, you know, that's probably true. I won't deny that I'm not a necessary part of anyone's life. But it'd be nice to feel like someone at least wants me around. Or even say hello.

As far as writing goes, I think I've been spending too much time in my head and way too much time alone in my room. I work better when I'm not at home. But not being at home costs money. And I don't have a job so...yea.

Even as far as the job search goes, I'm starting to get bummed out so much that I don't even feel like trying anymore. I'm not even really applying to my field so much as I'm applying to jobs that I'm pretty sure I'm qualified for. Teaching, tutoring, random office work.... There's a furniture store near my house that has a big HELP WANTED sign outside. It's calling to me. That feels like really giving up, but I'm pretty sure I can land the job if they haven't found someone already. I mean, I got a job as a manager at Boston Market with no previous managing or food service experience. ...And yet I can't get a job in entertainment despite a Masters and a year of experience.


I'm not a happy camper.

Sometimes I am.

But usually when I wake up in the morning, it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I didn't just wake up or anything...just...this feeling started when I woke up.


I'm going nowhere and I'm just bitching and ranting. I need to do shit. I need to accomplish things.

But I just don't feel motivated to do anything.

I good you bid evening.
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(no subject)  
12:27pm 09/09/2010
Did I stop writing because I have nothing to say, or do I have nothing to say because I stopped writing?
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10:15pm 03/09/2010
Recently applied to a job as a private English tutor. Was one of the top three candidates. Then, finally, I was accepted for the job on a provisional status starting in October.

Here's the e-mail:

Dear Marlan,

You are hereby notified that you have been given a provisional appointment as the ESL teacher for my son. You are selected based on your experience and passion to teach.

Please note that the teaching will take place at my residence and i will be arriving precisely Friday Oct 1st, 2010 but the lesson starts on Monday October 4th.

Here is what i want to offer you:

1.Teaching for 10hrs/week. (Marlan note: agreed on hours from previous e-mails.)

2. That i will be paying you $300/week or $30/hr and $20/week as a recompense for gas/transportation.There is a parking space at the apartment building free of charge. (Marlan note: Sweet! That's $5-$10 more than I was requesting! I guess it's because of the gas!)

3.Anytime from 3.00pm-8.00pm weekdays and 11.00am on weekends is suitable. (Marlan note: Flexible schedule! Awesome!)

Please note that i will be responsible for your tax since i am employing you for private teaching.

I will send to you, Money Orders of $2,700 (3 pieces of $900 each) which i bought the last time i came to the USA. (Gee, that's a little much for teaching materials...but okay...)
I will write the Money orders payable to your name so you could cash it at your bank.
I am sending you that much money because of my step-dad's Alzheimer's sickness which has made me spent lots of money taking care of his medical bills. (Medical bills? Alzheimer's? What??)

The Money orders is from USA which can be cashed at your bank but its not cashable here in UK.
As soon as you receive the Money orders, take them to the bank to cash it, and deduct $320 which is your wages for the first week and $20 compensation for transport/gas fee, also deduct $50 for the purchase of the teaching materials needed for my son. (Wait...this isn't...wait...)

Then send the balance of the money to my ticket agent in London so i can buy the family flight ticket. We are coming from London, UK. (Seriously?? SERIOUSLY?!?)

I want you to confirm your full name and full address with apt # and phone number so that the payment can be sent to you as soon as possible.

Accept my congratulations!

Xabi Reina.
+44 756-412-3364

So...no, I'm not yet employed.

Good scam, "Xabi Reina." Almost got me. The e-mail exchange with a physical address in LA to figure out transportation cost as well as saying I'm one of three candidates that you're looking over...very well done. Didn't go the quick and easy route of letting the cat out of the bag in the first e-mail, promising some money and what not. You went the whole nine yards...well, almost.

And so, the job hunt continues.

I good you bid evening.
mood: bummed
music: Coldplay - Viva La Vida
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Places I really want to go to in California  
12:02pm 03/09/2010
San Francisco
Death Valley
Catalina Island
Balboa Island
Mystery Spot
Mystery House (or whatever it's called)
Griffith Observatory
Griffith Park
The Getty Center
The Counter
The Ahmanson
The Wiltern

There's probably more, but that's just off the top of my head. The only place on that list that I've actually gone to is San Francisco. I've only been there twice, and both times all I saw was that one Pier. Oh yeah, and I went to Chinatown once. Other than that, I haven't even seen the Golden Gate Bridge. How have I lived in California my whole life without seeing the Golden Gate Bridge? Or going to Griffith? Or The Getty?



Good you bid evening.
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08:28pm 24/07/2010
Things that have happened so far (that I can remember)
-- Went to Expendables Panel
-- Went to Scott Pilgrim Panel
-- Went to Premiere of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World!
-- Met Edgar Wright and got a picture with him!
-- Got interviewed by a webTV channel based in San Diego while trying to sell Tumor
-- Shook hands with Stan Lee!
-- Chatted a little with David Mack
-- Went to a swanky Comic-Con party on a swanky rooftop with a swanky view and a naked woman who was being bodypainted to look like Elektra.
-- Waved at Simon Pegg and he waved back!
-- Met Brian and Wendy Froud
-- Went to Flynn's Arcade (where Daft Punk was apparently playing??)

Maybe there's more stuff that's kinda crazy...we'll see. Tomorrow's the last day. Still have one goal left: To meet the creator or Scott Pilgrim, Bryan Lee O'Malley. I've come close to this goal every day of the Con, and somehow this still hasn't happened. Tomorrow HAS to be the day. It will happen. I will make it so!
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11:15pm 30/06/2010
After my job interview today, which I was twenty minutes late for (thanks, random LA traffic!), I was leaving the fancy building when who I think was Amy Poehler almost ran into me. We stared into each other's eyes for a frazzled second. We had just almost collided with me in a rush from my interview and her in a rush to...wherever celebrity comedians rush off to in fancy office buildings. And then we were on our way, me thinking "Was that Amy Poehler? Cool." and her probably thinking "Waffles waffles waffles waffles waffles." Because if I were a celebrity comedian in a fancy office building, that's all I'd be able to think about.


I good you bid evening.
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(no subject)  
01:44pm 25/06/2010
For the love of everything that's purple and moist, I just want a god damn job!!!!


Other than that, all is well.

I good you bid evening.
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12:38am 06/06/2010
Ah needs ta cut mah nailsszz.


I bid you good evening.
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01:17am 12/03/2010
I know that I can be a pretty weird guy. I say strange things. And I'm pretty ADD sometimes, too. And I can be hyper and crazy and do weird voices. Yes. That's all part of who I am.

PART of who I am.

But it's not me. Not completely. It's just a part.

And sometimes I think the fact that that's only one part of me is often overlooked.

Or, I guess the better way to put it, would be to say that that zany part of me overshadows the rest of who I am. It's easier to remember when I'm crazy and say weird things and go off on tangents. It's not so easy to even see the moments that I'm quiet and hanging in the background and not contributing to the conversation. But that's part of me too. A big part of me. But, like I said, it's me being quiet and hanging in the background. So of course it goes unnoticed. People don't say "Oh Marlan, you're so quiet and in the background." It goes unnoticed.

And then there's the part of me that's awkward and shy and wanting more personal connection. But that's mostly an interior thing, so it's also part of the me that's introspective and thinks way too much about things, like the stuff I'm writing about now.

And there's a million more bits and pieces.

But that's not who I am to people. I'm not multi-faceted. I can't possibly be more than just a zany guy who says bad jokes all the time because he's nervous and afraid and doesn't know what to say 90% of the time. No. There can't be more to that person at all.

I guess I just sometimes wish that I could be treated normal. Instead of feeling like there's a certain way that people expect me to act.

But, of course, I also realize that it's my fault too. Like I said, that's a part of me. And an easy part of me for me to play up because it's...well...easy. So it comes out often. Too often, in fact.

And my problem isn't that people don't accept me for being a strange guy. They do. And I'm pretty sure that they also know that that's not really who I am. Or who I am all the time. It just doens't feel like they know there's more to me.

Maybe what I need to do is just be more conscious of myself. Er, be more self-conscious. Around my friends. Realize that I need to tone it down and just be...normal sometimes, just to remind people that I am, indeed, not crazy. Whatever that means.

But then again...

That pretty much means being that other side of me that shows up a lot. The quiet side. Which just means being there. And that happens a lot too, but it's not what people call me out on (unless I'm in a bad mood, apparently).

I don't know.

I never know.

What do I know?

What can I know?

I guess I think I'm seen as unstable, and I want to show that I am stable. I mean, if I do come off that way.


I good you bid evening.
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10:25am 10/02/2010
Last night's dream.

I drive a rice rocket and do drifting and all that. Something happens while I'm driving...I think I hit somebody. I don't know. But it's, like, somebody important. It was either that or I stole something. In either case, I'm an undergrad and I return to school and to my dorm room. I tell Bryan and Ryan (real people...I wonder if there similar names are why they were in the dream?? I barely talk to Bryan and I've had like 3 words with Ryan) that the cops are after me. The cops start to storm the dorm. I can't go back the way I came, so I can't get to my car. We're on the 3rd Floor. Ryan has a suped-up car called a Ryaki or something, but he doesn't want it scratched so he doesn't let me borrow it. The cops are coming so I look out the window and there's people painting the side of the building. Bryan drives an old, beat-up Saturn truck of some sort that I refuse to drive. I take a long time deciding if I want to jump or not because I'm afraid of heights. Then all of a sudden, it turns out that those guys outside the window aren't painting the place, but are actually getting ready to launch off the wall and expand a giant parachute that they and a bunch of other people are holding onto.

I'll admit, at this point, I somehow had a crazy amount of control over the dream world. I REALLY didn't want to get caught by the cops and I was WAY too scared to jump so I tried to get the dream to have one of those stunt landing things so I'd jump, but I knew deep down that was ridiculous. So, as a consolation, the dream world supplied me with an even more ridiculous solution - a giant parachute for me to grab onto on the way down.


The people holding the parachute tell me "It's okay!" and I jump and grab on. Once on the ground, I race to the parking garage. Bryan and Ryan meet me there. I see the cops' flashlights in the distance, so I decide to take Bryan's offer and take his truck. It's ridiculous hard to drive. Doesn't even have power steering.

So I drive away, the cops none the wiser. There's no stolen vehicle so they don't have that to go off of, and my car was left behind. They only know my face and where family/friends live. But they don't know where I am. So I wind up visiting somebody, I don't remember who...but it doesn't last long before I'm on the run again. I think about Mexico or Canada, but either way I'd need a passport and not only do I not have my passport on me, but I doubt they'd let me through and would probably arrest me or something. So I go towards the desert where I find an old, abandoned house to spend the night while I figure out what to do next.

But the house isn't so abandoned, after all. A family does live there. An old, wrinkled father. A dirty, pregnant mother. A little girl. And a drooling, handicapped son.

They're cannibals.

So the little girl attacks me and pins me to the ground. Strong. The father goes to get his shotgun. Mother licks her lips. Son laughs and claps. She's skinning me with her long nails, removing the hair - starting with the eyebrows. She rips off the entire brow and throws it aside. The son picks it up and starts sucking on it. The girl goes for the other eyebrow and

That's all I remember.

But damn, I think I've got an idea for another movie.
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