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March 2012  

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01:31am 08/03/2012
I've been in Texas for 7 months, and whenever I check the time, I still convert it back to PST and wonder what everyone back home is doing. It's 1:30 am here, 11:30 pm there. Who's asleep, who's awake? Which of my friends would I be with right now? Would I be at home in my room, at a friend's house, at Quickly? Would I be driving down Beach Blvd., or on the 10, or the 60? Would I be alone?

I tell myself I can do this, and I can go even farther, but some days are harder than others. Some days I miss too much, others not at all. Tonight is one of the hard ones.
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11:39pm 15/02/2012
I feel like I'm missing something, but what? Sometimes I think it's just my life. That I'm missing my life. Which is, of course, ridiculous, seeing as I'm sitting here writing in this journal, complaining about missing something I obviously have.

I miss the things that make up my life. I'm trying to substitute odds and ends for the real thing, but no matter how I try, they come up short.

I have another blog. A public one, where I try to write about things and sound interesting and funny and worth reading. I don't think I'm doing a very good job. I have a hard time being me there, out in the open. Unlike here, where I can be unabashedly depressing if I want to be. I don't have to worry about people asking me if I'm okay, or telling me things will get better and all that nonsense. Well, of course things will get better and of course I'll be fine. But how does that help me feel any better right now?

So I write about anime, and try to write short fiction, and whatever else I can think of that I can feel okay about showing the public. All of them odds and ends; none of them are real.

So what's my story? What's really my story? What's in my head? What's my life? I don't know. I think I lost it somewhere. Missing: one life. If found, try not to screw it up too badly.
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Life as I Know It  
11:15pm 21/01/2012
In August 2011, I moved to Arlington, TX from La Puente, CA. It was a three hour flight. I live with my girlfriend, Ann, and her parents. I quit my job in Irvine, CA in July 2011 as I prepared to leave for Texas. I hated my job by the time I quit, but made some great friends while I was there that I try to stay in contact with. I also mailed over a couple of boxes of my stuff so I wouldn't have to worry about bringing it on the plane.

I was unemployed from August 2011 to the end of October 2011, when I finally gave in and took the only freely available job - substitute teaching. It pays quite a bit less than it did in California, but the cost of living is also much less here. I swore I wouldn't substitute teach again when I did it in California, but here I am, subbing again. I have the same love/hate relationship I had with it that I had in California. Some days I love my job, but most days I just want to go home.

I think it's the waste of time I feel while sitting in front of classrooms full of blank stares and blank slates. Do your work. Be quiet. Don't run. Yes, I'm Asian. Settle down. Do your work, please. I count down the hours, walking between desks, watching kids write, spell, multiply, divide, gossip, throw erasers, laugh, whisper, all the time thinking, I could be making a difference, but all I'm doing is babysitting for 7 hours. Don't get me wrong, it's a pretty easy job. But it's draining. And it feels pointless. Especially on days when there are tests or the kids are just doing worksheets and don't need any real instruction other than "don't throw that" or "keep it down."

It gets boring. Usually I bring a book to read, but it's hard to read when you know you can't get absorbed in what you're reading without missing someone doing something stupid. You always have to have one eye on them. Even the best classes have to be watched, just in case. And I'd feel guilty if I didn't at least try. The hours go by so slowly on some days.

I moved to Texas in August of 2011 from California. I visited in September, November, and December. Each time I go back, it gets harder to leave without feeling like I'm losing a little more of myself somewhere in between the two states. Bits of me, pieces of me, stay behind. They linger at my favorite places. They call me to them so I can collect them up and become whole again. They call me home.

I love the freedom I have here, but I don't love here.

I love California. I love LA. I even love Orange County. I love the over-priced movie theaters and the people I would visit them with, if only for the people. I love the food that I wouldn't know about if I didn't live in California. Korean tacos and Korean pizza.

I miss my friends. I miss having friends. I miss late nights in coffee places and boba places. Writing a would-be masterpiece while Jeff illustrates what probably actually will-be a masterpiece. Abusing wi-fi privileges. Watching and listening. No refills.

I miss feeling like a king surveying his kingdom, walking the streets at night with my friends. There wasn't a corner we hadn't turned, a tunnel we hadn't taken, an alleyway we hadn't wandered.

I miss long drives where it felt like I had actually gone somewhere, or found something. I miss the beach, I miss the city. I miss the long stretches of city and suburb that would never end. I miss the air. I need to find my air here. I haven't found my air. I don't feel like I'm really breathing.

The road here doesn't talk to me. It doesn't whisper, asking me to find what's at the end. Maybe there's nothing there for me to find. There's nothing at the beginning, why would there be something at the end?

Everything feels ironic, and I don't know why.
music: Taio Cruz - Little Lion Man
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01:10am 23/06/2011
I feel like I'm disappointing a lot of people right now. I keep making wrong choices, or things I set out to do don't live up to their expectations, or I just don't hit the mark as well as I should. I feel like the last month or so has been one big lesson on failure. I need to somehow dig myself out of this hole. Maybe I just need someone to hand me a shovel. I don't know. And really, I think it's just that I'm stretching myself too thin. I'm only one person that's trying to be in five places at once and it's just not working. I don't know where I"m going with this. I'm tired, really tired. I've been getting headaches and this last week I've randomly gotten dizzy while just sitting at my desk or doing work That's never happened before. I'm over-exerting myself and I can't stop, not yet, anyways. People are counting on me. Maybe that's why I'm disappointing. That thought disappoints me. That I can't be counted on. I always thought of myself as the kind of person who would be there and who could do anything, but I was wrong. I'm not capable of doing everything at once. I guess I"m also unable to live up to my own expectations of myself. Which isn't horrible, since it means I'm always striving for something better. I don't know where I'm going with this. Good night, and I good you bid evening.
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The Embarrassing Truth  
10:41pm 24/01/2011
I just worked on 5 pages of a screenplay after not touching one in over two months. It feels good. Too good. I don't want to stop. Ever.

I've been working on my comic book, but not on my scripts. And I guess I needed a little change of pace, even if I am still going back and re-writing something, at least I'm doing it with fresh eyes again. It feels like I'm breathing again. Mustn't ever stop again.

I good you bid evening.

Afterthought: will have to update about everything else at some point, just not now.
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Maybe it's the melatonin...  
11:52am 06/11/2010
Last couple of nights I've had a nightmare about a serial killer. They weren't the same nightmare, but they both involved the serial killer. And they were both terrifying. I'd wake up disoriented, my heart pounding. And it's not that the killer's close to killing me, at least not in both of them. I think he was in the first one and it was the scariest thing ever. And in last night's encounter, it was more just this sheer feeling of hate from him. Like absolute and complete hate so powerful that I could feel it. That's what woke me up last night, the feeling of hate. Powerful and terrifying enough to wake me up. I didn't take melatonin last night. Is this my Freddy? Is this something inside of me that I have to face and conquer? Is it a stupid dream manifesting from my negative emotions and lack of sleep? We'll see how long this keeps up, but I wouldn't be surprised if last night was the last one.

I good you bid evening.
music: Eminem - You're Never Over
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04:09pm 02/11/2010
Just got a call from a number I didn't recognize, so I picked it up and said hello. No response, and the they hung up. Not one to leave things like that alone, I call the number back and it's a company I was applying to.
"Can I help you?"
"Yeah, hi, I just got a call from you guys, but when I answered, there was no response."
"Okay, is there anyone here you're currently doing business with or are in contact with?"
"No, but I did just apply for the reception job this morning or last night."
"Oh! Then you want Erin. One sec."
"Yeah, it seems there was a mistake. Your number wasn't supposed to be called."
"Oh. Okay, thanks."
"Okay, bye."

Don't hate the player, hate the game. I good you bid evening.
music: Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth
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For future reference  
03:44pm 25/10/2010

Your unique dominant Merchant Capacity Set causes you to rely on the following strategies for success and fulfillment:

Your cornerstone core capacity is Inspiration. You are committed to giving and receiving inspiration in all its forms. You are constantly working to know and understand the truth about yourself and others.

Your commitment to Merchant capacities is so strong that you tend to rely upon the strategies of this capacity set even when these strategies may not be the most effective. Your best successes will be realized in specialized fields where the strategies of this capacity set are usually effective, and are required most of the time.

You seldom feel defeated; You see good potential in most situations. You like to energize and motivate others to work with you. You are willing to put yourself at risk in thought and action. You have the ability to help people feel hopeful and courageous. Something new and inspiring everyday is the spice of your life. Being of high value to others and seeing high value in others is a prime concern. Too much formality is boring and restrictive.

You like to trust people and to share yourself with them freely. Choosing your words carefully works well for you. You like a new charge in your life and you like to be the charge in the lives of others. Free and open discussion is a major element in your leadership style. Motivating others with your visions and ideas is very satisfying. Talking with others is your way to learn and to teach. Making presentations puts zest in your life.

Getting what you want from others is a gentle negotiation and a friendly arrangement. You are good at getting others to work for and with you. No potential plan, idea or possibility gets by you. You like to work and others enjoy working with you. A core strategy for you is to work effectively with others. You have a natural enthusiasm and like to be in situations that are fully engaging and energized. You want to receive good rewards and appreciation for time and energy spent.

You like discovering new possibilities, and you consistently watch for them. Nothing feels right when the people you value are distant or are in conflict. Absolute proof, knowledge and understanding are not required in order for you to act. Your commitment to others and to your own life is an encouragement to others.

Your unique secondary Innovator Capacity Set supports your dominant Merchant Capacity Set.

Your cornerstone core capacity is Wisdom. Understanding and compassion are central to your life strategy.

People see your ingenuity and resourcefulness. You consistently observe and measure the worth of people and things. You like to communicate with visuals and descriptions. To invent new systems, processes and things is pure pleasure. Your willingness to see things through and wait things out is a primary asset. You have wit and creativity in your thinking. You like difficult situations and challenging questions.

Complicated situations and problems are not a threat to you. Finding the best solution is one of your primary contributions. You like to consider all the options. Exploration of new and better approaches keeps you interested. Your tastes are varied and diverse. You are able to see the ways things are, and you know what to do about it. You like to lead through presentation of intelligent alternatives.

Rapid and clever exchange of ideas is a personal joy and a method of work for you. Understanding others and working with them is a key asset of yours.

Bolded the things I especially agree with.
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Down the Rabbit Hole  
02:24pm 21/09/2010

Screw getting a job.

Just somebody give me a damn interview!

*thunk*thunk*thunk*thunk*thunk* <---sound of one's head banging against desk.
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Back on the Saddle  
06:23pm 14/09/2010
Getting back into the habit of writing starts with the small things. Like writing "witty" and strange status updates on facebook.

Writing gods! Come forth and honor me with your presence! Guide my hand with the candlelight by which you write, and baptise me within the midnight ink that flows freely from your quill tip pens unto the blank page set before you.

I goodeth thou biddeth evening.
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