I know that I can be a pretty weird guy. I say strange things. And I'm pretty ADD sometimes, too. And I can be hyper and crazy and do weird voices. Yes. That's all part of who I am.
PART of who I am.
But it's not me. Not completely. It's just a part.
And sometimes I think the fact that that's only one part of me is often overlooked.
Or, I guess the better way to put it, would be to say that that zany part of me overshadows the rest of who I am. It's easier to remember when I'm crazy and say weird things and go off on tangents. It's not so easy to even see
the moments that I'm quiet and hanging in the background and not contributing to the conversation. But that's part of me too. A big part of me. But, like I said, it's me being quiet and hanging in the background
. So of course it goes unnoticed. People don't say "Oh Marlan, you're so quiet and in the background." It goes unnoticed.
And then there's the part of me that's awkward and shy and wanting more personal connection. But that's mostly an interior thing, so it's also part of the me that's introspective and thinks way too much about things, like the stuff I'm writing about now.
And there's a million more bits and pieces.
But that's not who I am to people. I'm not multi-faceted. I can't possibly be more than just a zany guy who says bad jokes all the time because he's nervous and afraid and doesn't know what to say 90% of the time. No. There can't be more to that person at all.
I guess I just sometimes wish that I could be treated normal. Instead of feeling like there's a certain way that people expect me to act.
But, of course, I also realize that it's my fault too. Like I said, that's a part of me. And an easy part of me for me to play up because it's...well...easy. So it comes out often. Too often, in fact.
And my problem isn't that people don't accept me for being a strange guy. They do. And I'm pretty sure that they also know that that's not really who I am. Or who I am all the time. It just doens't feel like they know there's more to me.
Maybe what I need to do is just be more conscious of myself. Er, be more self-conscious. Around my friends. Realize that I need to tone it down and just be...normal sometimes, just to remind people that I am, indeed, not crazy. Whatever that means.
But then again...
That pretty much means being that other side of me that shows up a lot. The quiet side. Which just means being there. And that happens a lot too, but it's not what people call me out on (unless I'm in a bad mood, apparently).
I don't know.
I never know.
What do I know?
What can I know?
I guess I think I'm seen as unstable, and I want to show that I am
stable. I mean, if I do come off that way.
I good you bid evening.